


Keep My Heart Slow

by lachatblanche



Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, M/M, Police, Spies & Secret Agents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-09 05:58:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4336520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lachatblanche/pseuds/lachatblanche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erik remembers every single detail of what happened the last time that he saw Charles. The very last time, as far as he knew, before Charles had once again run off to do whatever it was that members of the British Secret Service did while on the job. </p>
<p>To say that he doesn't expect Charles to turn up in his office several months later is something of an understatement.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep My Heart Slow

**Author's Note:**

> Previously posted on tumblr.
> 
> Title from 'I Will Wait' by Mumford and Sons.

It was early on a Thursday morning when Officer Kitty Pryde approached Detective Inspector Erik Lehnsherr with the news that he had a visitor. 

Pryde’s expression was strangely hesitant as she hovered behind him, and she chewed her lip nervously, wondering whether or not it would be wise to interrupt her DI’s reverie. She watched as he prepared his first coffee of the morning, his briefcase still in his hand and his eyes red and shadowed from a lack of sleep, and she decided that she could maybe afford to wait a while until he noticed her. 

When Erik still showed no signs of acknowledging her presence even after several minutes, however, she screwed up her courage and bravely ventured forward. 

‘Boss?’ she said uneasily, her keen gaze taking in the tight set of Erik’s jaw and the bags under his eyes. She swallowed, knowing how short his temper was before his first – and second and third – coffee of the morning. ‘I know that you don’t want to be disturbed, but – there’s some guy here to see you. Says he needs to speak to you.’

Erik didn’t even look up from the coffee dispenser. ‘It can wait,’ he growled, eyes fixed on his cup and clearly not at all in the mood for conversation.

Pryde shifted restlessly, her sense of duty clashing against her desire to flee. ‘Yes, but—’ she bit her lip. ‘The guy – he says it’s _important_.’

‘They _all_ say that, Pryde,’ Erik said tiredly, shaking his head even as he finally pulled his cup away from the dispenser. ‘Believe me, most of the time it really, _really_ isn’t.’

Kitty looked uncomfortable. ‘Right,’ she said slowly. ‘I know. And I tried to tell him that, but he wouldn’t wait. He just started talking at me and then somehow walked past me into your office and wouldn’t leave even when—’

‘ _What?_ ’ Erik’s head jerked up, his nostrils flared wide. ‘He went into my _office_?’

Pryde actually looked alarmed by his expression. She nodded weakly and then nearly let out a shriek when Erik suddenly leapt into motion and started stalking towards his office with murder in his eyes.

Heads turned as he strode through the bullpen, some wincing for the unfortunate sod about to be on the receiving end of Lehnsherr’s unholy wrath while others craned their heads in order to see more. Pryde, feeling more than a little flustered, hurried on after him, her eyes large and round and worried.

Erik, eyes blazing, strode through the hall, uncaring of the reactions around him, until he reached the door to his office. Without waiting, he wrenched it open and stormed in.

‘Okay, asshole,’ he snarled, his hand still on the doorknob. ‘You better have a damn good reason why—’ and then he froze.

‘Hello, Erik,’ said a warm, amused voice and Erik went completely still, his heart beating wildly, and his breath catching at the sound of the familiar cadence that he had long given up on ever hearing again … the sound that was so, _so_ –

‘Pryde,’ Erik said stiffly. ‘Get out.’

Kitty, who had come to a hasty stop just behind Erik, looked between the two men with wide eyes, her expression baffled. 

‘I said _get out_!’ Erik snapped, turning his head to glare at her. This immediately did the trick and Kitty scampered out at once, panic in her eyes, slamming the door shut behind her.

Erik took a deep breath, determinedly trying to compose himself, before turning back around.

‘Charles,’ he said in an admirably even tone. ‘I didn’t know you were in town.’

Charles gave him a knowing smile and then proceeded to stretch out lazily in his chair. ‘Not many people do,’ he said, leaning back with a smirk. His expression then settled into something more reproachful. ‘You know you really shouldn’t yell at your underlings, darling,’ he said reprovingly. ‘You scared that poor girl something dreadful.’

Erik felt his eyes drawn unconsciously to the rising hem of Charles’s crisp white shirt – which, no doubt, had been Charles’s intention – and, gritting his teeth, violently wrenched them away. He couldn’t afford to be distracted, not right now. There were so many things that he wanted to say to Charles, that he wanted to ask him – _why are you here_ being at the top of the list, closely followed by _why did you leave_ – but he knew all too well that Charles was not in the habit of giving up secrets easily, either in his professional or his personal life. If Erik wanted answers, then he would have to pay attention and play along. ‘So what if I did?’ he bit out, glaring at Charles almost resentfully. ‘What’s it to you?’

A furrow appeared in Charles’s brow at this churlish response. ‘I’m only trying to help,’ he said, pouting. ‘Hostile environments tend to have a negative impact on productivity, you know. It’s much better to keep people happy. Things run more smoothly that way, more efficiently. And I know how very keen you are on efficiency, Erik.’

‘I’ll thank you to keep your advice to yourself,’ Erik snapped, irritated. Charles always knew how to push his buttons. ‘The running of my department is none of your business. Everything runs perfectly well as it is.’

Charles shrugged. ‘If you say so,’ he said, sounding thoroughly unconvinced. ‘I’m just saying that a bit of kindness goes a long way in persuading people to try their best.’ He smiled. ‘The carrot always works better than the stick, I find … especially in some instances.’

It was struggle for Erik not to react to that. He knew very well what Charles’s preferred method of persuasion was. Needless to say, he would not be adopting Charles’s methods any time in the near future. Or in any future, to be exact.

‘You should try to relax a little, darling,’ Charles was saying, gesturing widely with his hands. ‘Try not to shout so very much, for a start. You’re much more appealing when you’re not in a mood. And do try to be more civil in the future. It’s important to have allies around you, particularly in the workplace.’ He cocked his head, assessing. ‘You should start small. That poor girl you threw out, for instance – I’d go for her. Get her on side, and others will follow.’

Erik raised an eyebrow, sceptical. ‘You want me to make friends?’ he said flatly.

Charles shrugged. ‘I think it would do you good,’ he said honestly. ‘At the very least you should try to get them on side.’

‘And I suppose that you’re going to tell me just how to do that,’ Erik said sarcastically, his lips curling into a sneer.

Charles gave a loose shrug. ‘Well, it _is_ what I’m trained for,’ he said, lowering his lashes in a show of false modesty. ‘And in any case, I’m far more charming than you are.’

Erik snorted. ‘That’s one word for it.’

Charles raised an eyebrow. ‘You ought to retire this whole misanthrope act, for a start,’ he said dryly. He then smirked, his red lips pulling upwards. ‘Maybe try something … _friendlier_ , instead.’ He waggled his eyebrows comically, lips twisting into an exaggeratedly lecherous grin. 

The jest, unfortunately, fell completely flat. Erik’s jaw immediately tensed at the suggestion and he felt his hard-won composure slip from his grasp. ‘You mean do what _you_ do?’ he snarled, feeling his hackles rise. He took in the way that Charles was sprawled out indolently in his office-chair and his hands clenched into fists. ‘I’m not you, Charles. I’m not going to _sleep_ with everyone just to get them to do what I want.’

Far from recoiling at the insult, Charles just pouted. ‘Darling,’ he said with mild reproach. ‘Surely you know me better that that. I would _never_ sleep with an underling just to get them to do what I want.’ He paused and a wicked gleam entered his eyes. ‘It’s the _superiors_ who you want to go for, not the minions.’

Erik let out a harsh snort. ‘And here was me, thinking that you weren’t all that fussy,’ he said, allowing some of his bitterness to seep into the words. 

Charles sighed. ‘Oh really, you’re being _far_ too judgemental,’ he said disapprovingly, frowning at Erik. ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being free and unattached. And it’s not like I sleep with just _anybody_ , you know.’ 

‘No,’ Erik agreed bitterly. ‘No one could ever accuse you of _that_. I’m sure all your partners are chosen very carefully. They’re just not chosen by _you_.’

Charles watched him for a moment and then sighed. ‘I know that you don’t like it, Erik,’ he said with exaggerated patience. ‘But sometimes it’s necessary to follow through on these things. It’s why I told you right at the very start that there could never be anything more than sex between us. It’s why there can never be anything more than sex with _any_ one. And I am fine with that.’ Charles shrugged. ‘It’s only a very small part of my job, after all, and I always enjoy myself and I never do anything more than what I am comfortable with. There’s always a purpose, and that purpose is something that I very strongly believe in.’ Charles smirked. ‘I mean, do you _know_ how many lives I have saved by sleeping with the right person at the right time?’

‘I’m sure it’s a great comfort to you,’ Erik said coldly.

Charles rolled his eyes. ‘It’s just sex, Erik, it’s really not all that big a deal. I _like_ it – god knows that _you_ should be aware of that. And if I can use it to get what I want, then why shouldn’t I?’

Erik gave him a dark look. ‘Do you really want me to answer that?’

Charles pretended to consider. ‘I don’t know,’ he said, examining his nails. ‘Depends on what you were going to say.’

Erik watched him for a moment, his expression inscrutable. Then he sighed and rubbed at his eyes, feeling exhausted despite the early hour. ‘Why are you here, Charles?’ he asked wearily, unable to keep the rigmarole going for any longer. He moved over to his desk so that he had something to lean on, allowing himself to sag back against the edge. ‘It’s been seven months since I saw you last, and from what I remember you didn’t have all that much to say to me back then.’

Charles shrugged. ‘Things have changed,’ he said lightly. ‘And last time was hard on us both, you know that. You were constantly worrying; I had just been shot—’

Erik’s fists clenched at the reminder but he manfully restrained himself from otherwise reacting. ‘You came to me,’ he said tightly, not looking at Charles. ‘I hadn’t even known that you were in the same _country_ and then late one night I get a knock on the door, and when I open it I see _you_ there with a fucking bullet to the gut and with blood all down your front, looking like you’re _this close_ to _fainting_ in my arms—’

‘Darling, _please_!’ Charles protested, embarrassed.

‘—and then I call in sick to work for the first time _ever_ and spend a whole fucking _week_ nursing you back to health because apparently it’s too dangerous for you to walk into a fucking _hospital_ —’

‘Erik, you _know_ why I can’t—’

‘—And then one day I leave you asleep on my bed to go out and pick up some damn _food_ since I haven’t left the house in a week, and by the time I arrive home again, less than an hour later, you are _gone_ , you’ve _disappeared_ , pulled a fucking _Houdini_ and vanished without a trace, without an explanation, without a goddamn _thank you_ —’ Erik stopped talking all of a sudden and just stood there, his chest tight, glaring angrily at the wall over Charles’s head. 

Charles didn’t even have the grace to look abashed. ‘It was for the best,’ he said quietly, meeting Erik’s eyes and not looking away. ‘I had already stayed too long. I couldn’t be sure that I hadn’t been followed.

‘Oh,’ Erik let out a harsh laugh at that. ‘So _that’s_ why you left. Is that what I’m meant to believe, Charles? That’s what you want to pretend? That you did it for my own good – that you _genuinely_ believed that I would prefer to come home and nearly have a heart-attack when I found you missing, rather than face the possibility of being slightly inconvenienced by whatever goons had been sent after you?’

‘You would hardly have been “slightly inconvenienced”,’ Charles said sharply, beginning to sound annoyed for the first time. ‘And they were hardly _goons_ , Erik. Forgive me if I was more concerned about your _life_ than about your emotional well-being, but as far as I am concerned, I didn’t do anything wrong.’

‘I asked you to _marry_ me,’ Erik spat out, gripping his desk violently. 

There was silence. 

Erik looked at Charles’s suddenly blank, expressionless face, and drew in a ragged breath, clenching his teeth. ‘I asked you to marry me,’ he repeated in a low, even voice. ‘And you said no. And that was the end of it.’ His grip on the desk tightened. ‘But you didn’t have to run away the first moment that my back was turned, Charles,’ he hissed, the sting of pain and fear returning just as strong as it had been the day that Erik had returned home to find an empty bed with rapidly cooling sheets and not even a hastily-written note in explanation. ‘I understood why you said no. I had accepted it. There was no reason for you to leave like that.’

‘Erik,’ Charles said tiredly. ‘I know that you—’

‘Twenty minutes,’ Erik said quietly, interrupting him. ‘That’s all it would have taken. You couldn’t have waited twenty minutes for me to return before you ran away again?’

Charles’s expression flickered at that. He swallowed and pulled his eyes away from Erik, looking down at the ground. ‘I couldn’t,’ he said softly. Erik scoffed and made to turn aside but Charles continued in an even quieter, more subdued voice. ‘Because if I’d stayed then I might have said _yes_.’

Erik’s felt his breath catch and he quickly looked away, his heart feeling strange and heavy in his chest. After a moment, however, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. ‘What are you doing here, Charles?’ he asked tiredly, eyes still averted. ‘What do you want?’

‘Must I want something in order to come and see you?’ Charles asked neutrally. The vulnerability of moments before was gone, vanished, as if it had never been there at all.

Erik shrugged. ‘I don’t know,’ he replied, equally dispassionate. ‘Must you?’

Charles narrowed his eyes. ‘You’re being dramatic,’ he said flatly, not looking at all impressed. ‘I must tell you that I don’t find it at all attractive on you.’

‘You aren’t supposed to,’ Erik glared.

Charles rolled his eyes. ‘Ah well,’ he sighed, shrugging his shoulders. ‘I was lying anyway. I actually do find it rather attractive. I find most things about you attractive. It’s one of the reasons why I—’ he stopped himself, his mouth clapping shut before he could say anything further.

Erik wasn’t in the least bit put off. ‘It’s one of the reasons why you what?’ he demanded, watching Charles suspiciously as he crossed his arms over the chest. ‘What were you going to say there, Charles?’

Charles eyed him warily for a moment before allowing a wide, cheerful and completely fake smile to cross his face. ‘I was going to say,’ he said deliberately, ‘that it’s one of the reasons why I like having you around. The views are always so much better when you are in the vicinity.’

Erik’s eyes narrowed. ‘If you want eye-candy then go and fuck a model,’ he snarled, pushing away from his desk with a rough jerk. ‘I’m a senior police officer, Charles. Not some wet-eyed toy-boy for you to ogle when you get bored.’

Charles’s forehead crinkled. ‘That’s not what I—’

‘Do you actually have anything important to say to me?’ Erik interrupted him. ‘Or are you just here to make my day even longer?’

Charles blinked, looking slightly surprised. ‘I’m here to see you, Erik. Is that really so strange?’

‘Yes,’ Erik said coldly. ‘It is, actually.’

‘Well – why do you think I’m here then?’ Charles asked, exasperated.

Erik shrugged. ‘I don’t know,’ he said carelessly. ‘Convenience?’

Charles’s face went blank. ‘Convenience,’ he repeated.

Erik lifted a shoulder. ‘I’m guessing that you were probably in the area and needed something to amuse yourself with. I fit the bill.’ He shrugged. ‘I don’t see how it could be anything else.’ He did not try to contain the bitterness in his voice.

Charles’s expression flickered and he looked away. Erik watched him for a moment before sighing and turning to the window, where he closed his eyes.

‘Are you seeing anyone?’ Charles asked abruptly.

Erik gritted his teeth. Opening his eyes, he turned around and threw Charles a filthy look. He didn’t deign to respond. Charles knew very well what the answer to his question was. It wasn’t as if the answer ever changed, after all.

‘You should, you know,’ Charles continued conversationally. ‘Date, get out there, find someone.’ He paused. ‘Get married.’

Erik went still, containing himself only with effort. ‘There’s only one person on earth that I’d ever consider marrying,’ he said stiffly, meeting Charles’s eyes unflinchingly. ‘And I already know what his opinion of the idea is.’

Charles’s face shuttered and he quickly looked away. The expression hadn’t been there for long but for a moment – one small, wrenching moment – he was open, vulnerable in a way that Charles never allowed himself to be outside of bed, his expression stricken in a way that Erik had never seen before. 

Erik quickly looked away, almost unsettled by the sight. He was not foolish enough to think that Charles was impervious to hurt, but somehow he had never expected to see evidence of that in front of him.

Perhaps Charles was human after all, he thought uncharitably.

‘You’re being deliberately provocative,’ Charles said after a long moment, having finally recovered his composure. ‘We talked about this, Erik. You know that isn’t possible. Not for me.’

‘You and I remember that conversation very differently,’ Erik remarked dryly. ‘Actually, from what I recall, there wasn’t much of a conversation at all. You simply said no, and that was that.’ He paused. ‘And then you were gone.’

Charles grimaced. ‘Fine,’ he conceded, not looking very happy. ‘Maybe we didn’t talk about it, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t know why I said no.’ He let out a short laugh. ‘It’s not as if I thought you meant it, for a start. I mean, I had just been shot, and you’d been up for about 72 hours straight …’

‘I meant it,’ Erik said firmly. Charles shut his mouth.

‘It’s irrelevant,’ he sighed. ‘You should never have asked me that, Erik. We’re not a couple. That’s not what this is.’

Erik raised an eyebrow. ‘Isn’t it?’ he asked quietly.

‘No,’ Charles shook his head. ‘It isn’t. And you should know that. There will never be anything more between us than this.’ 

‘Why not?’ Erik demanded, and he knew that they were just treading over the same ground that they had walked before, but he couldn’t help himself. ‘Give me a reason, Charles. Tell me why it isn’t possible.’

‘You _know_ why, Erik,’ Charles said sharply, clearly frustrated. ‘You know what I am, what I do. This is my life. It’s unpredictable and it’s complicated and messy, and more to the point, it’s _dangerous_.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I can’t have any entanglements, Erik,’ he said firmly. ‘It’s dangerous for me, it’s dangerous for _you_ and it’s just simply not fair on _either_ of us.’ 

‘And this is?’ Erik retorted, glaring at him. ‘What’s been happening up till now – you coming and going at all times and expecting me to come running when you call? You slinking off in the middle of the night without a second thought – without even a goodbye? Do you really think that _this_ is fair on us, Charles? On me?’

Charles frowned. ‘You know, if you want this all to stop then all you need to do is say so,’ he said, sounding defensive. ‘I’m not forcing you into anything here, Erik. You’ve known from the beginning that this can never be more than it already is. I’ve never lied about that.’

‘No,’ Erik agreed, gritting his teeth. ‘You haven’t.’

‘And I’ve always been honest with you about the way things are,’ Charles continued, watching him steadily. ‘I’ve always given you the option of turning me away. You are the one who always—’

‘Yes,’ Erik said tightly, interrupting. ‘I know.’

Charles’s expression softened. ‘If there was any way,’ he said quietly, meeting Erik’s eyes. ‘If there was the slightest chance that my being with you wouldn’t put you in danger, or that our relationship could survive me doing what I do—’

‘You mean doing _who_ you do,’ Erik growled, not caring that he was being unfair. 

Charles, however, didn’t even blink. ‘I do whatever I am required to do, Erik,’ he said calmly. ‘What I do saves lives, and there is nothing more important than that. You told me that you used to feel the same yourself, once upon a time.’

‘Yes,’ Erik agreed. ‘I did. But then I met you.’

Charles frowned at that, troubled, and looked away.

‘I know what you are doing is important, Charles,’ Erik said quietly. ‘But—’ _I’m tired of waiting_ , he wanted to say. ‘I miss you,’ he said instead.

Charles’s expression softened. ‘I know, love,’ he said, his tone gentle. ‘I do try to come by whenever I can, but it’s … difficult for me to get away.’ He smiled ruefully. ‘It’s not easy maintaining a relationship when you’re always on the run, you know.’

Erik looked at him sadly. ‘I know,’ he said, his chest feeling oddly tight. ‘And I understand.’ He watched as Charles cocked his head to the side, watching him with wide, seemingly guileless eyes. 

Erik swallowed and looked away. He took a deep breath and continued. ‘But you’ve got to stop running some time, Charles,’ he said, forcing himself too look up and meet Charles’s gaze. ‘And for your own sake I hope that it is sooner rather than later.’ 

Charles opened his mouth to respond but Erik had already turned and, pulling open the office door, had quietly walked away.

He strode through the bullpen, feeling Charles’s eyes boring into him as he left the office. Leaving was an empty gesture, he knew; he would return to the office soon enough and Charles would still be there when he did, waiting patiently with a wide-eyed, calculatedly apologetic expression on his face. And Erik, ever unable to resist him, would pretend that he’d moved on, and they would talk and they would smile like everything was fine and then Erik would take Charles home with him and they would make love and hold each other close and whisper promises to each other in the dark, the same as they always did, each and every time.

And then, Erik knew, one morning soon after, he would wake up and the spot on the other side of the bed would be empty and Charles would be gone without a word – the same as he always did, each and every time.

Erik sighed. One of these days he would be stronger than this. One of these days he would be able to put his foot down, say no to Charles, and be done with this – this _thing_ between them – once and for all.

One day. 

Just … not today.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Steal A Kiss And You'll Break Your Heart (Keep My Heart Slow Remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11446761) by [Gerec](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gerec/pseuds/Gerec)




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